Christa Vaughn Gilliam

I am 31, 32 next week and I have Pulmonary Fibrosis.

Four years ago in April, I became very ill with a kidney stone. The stone was lodged in the tube between the kidney and the bladder causing me to go septic. I was in a coma for two months on life support and also had to be treached. I had kidney failure, respiratory failure, stroke and other conditions. In the first week I was at a small hospital that did not have dialysis, but I was too critical to move. The doctors gave me a 0% chance of living if I stayed at that hospital and a 5% chance if I were moved. Of course my family took the 5% chance and had me moved, but before they moved me they called in all of my family to say their goodbyes because they said that I would probably die in transport, but I made it. I was then in ICU at Memorial Hospital in Chattanooga, TN for 2 months in critical condition. The doctors told my husband and family that there was a big chance that my kidney would never come back and that I could be a vegetable. Also I almost lost my leg due to a medication they had to give me so much of to keep my blood pressure up. I kept coding on them. I now have neuropathy in that foot and leg. When I woke from the coma I had so many tubes and I was treached so I could not speak. I was sent to a rehabilitation center to be weaned off of the treach. When I finally got to go home, I had to have home health come to teach me to walk and bathe - and even speak. I had to learn to do everything over again as if for the first time. I also came home on oxygen. I have been on the oxygen for almost 4 years now.

This past Christmas 2009 I became very ill yet again. I was at another small hospital with severe pneumonia. I had to be transported but finding a doctor to take me on a holiday (by this time it was New Years Eve) was very hard, but one doctor took me in. So I was transported to Erlanger Hospital in Chattanooga, TN ICU were I was critical for 2 weeks. The doctors were amazed that I pulled through. When I was released I had to go see my pulmonologist who has been with me the whole 4 yrs for a follow up. He told me I had Pulmonary Fibrosis. I didnt know anything about it. My diagnosis was ARDS, but I guess that was a more temporary situation and with it being 4 yrs now I suppose I should have seen it coming. But the more I read on PF the more frightened I became. Such short lives after diagnosis. I am too young to die. I did meet a lady on FB from Canada that has had this disease for 12 yrs now and she is doing so well. That was so encouraging to me.

I have recently decided to workout and stop giving in. I am a fighter and somewhere along the line I stopped fighting. I have now picked back up the boxing gloves and have started fighting again. I dont just mean that literally, but metephorically.

I am calling TKO (Total Knock Out) on this Pulmonary Fibrosis!!

Here are a collection of poems written by Christa Vaughn Gilliam before being diagnosed:

♥"Fading Away"♥

Standing alone, in the dark,
There's no light to find my way.
Forgotten, calling,
Screaming your name.
Caged within myself,
Trapped inside your heart.
Loosing life,
Lost forever in the dark.
It's so cold, what i've become,
Living, not living, numb.
All of these emotions,
Swelling in my head,
Screaming for you,
Wishing I were dead.
Living in the darkness,
Of my insanity,
Forgotten, begging you,
Come find me.
Can you hear me,
Calling, screaming you name?
I never hear you,
So lost within my pain.
This life is fading, fading away,
Fading to darkness, fading away.

♥"Thoughts of You"♥

Why does God not hear my prayers? Can he not see how much I love you? I think that I am being severely punished for some wrong doing in my life. My heart screams out for you every second of everyday. My tears so often flow like a river, but unlike the peaceful river, never reaching their destination. I know that the world still turns, but I, left standing still, standing alone on the dark side of the earth. Will ever I see the light of the sun again? Will ever I see your angelic face, outside of my haunted dreams again? I have so many questions, still I seek for answers but cannot find. Searching for peace; yearning for you, as if you were a magnetic field in the center of the earth, and I being the earth, drawn to you with every breath that I take; my life revolving around you. Seeming as though there are constant earthquakes forming mountains so high I could never climb, and volcanoes producing rivers of lava, so wide I cannot cross. And you always are on the other side. And there is the knowing that forever has come and gone. What is there for me to hope for? No dreams do I have left to call my own? Wanting to run but there is nowhere for me to hide. I am slipping slowly into madness like a sickness taking over, you being the drug I seek to find but cannot contain. My heart screaming for you, echoing in my mind, you never hear me, my whole existence being obsolete. My mind is searching for truth, wondering if you are real, or just something wonderful I have made up to escape my reality, but somehow lost you in my fantasy. Either way I need you. If having you in my life was only in my mind, I wonder, whose face is etched upon my soul? Whose picture do I hold in my hand? Whose love and kindness has touched my heart? Whose voice do I hear whispering "I love you?" So many questions I have with no answers. Happiness, what is this? Is it something hiding behind the bushes; the bushes with thorns, refusing my entry? And life, what is this? Being with you would be life, there for I can no longer live.

♦"Sail Safely With Me" ♦

Staring into an endless sea, I feel so small;
Waves crashing, your name I call;
Watching the moon, it's a full Eclipse;
Watching you leaving me, as the passing ships;
Will you remember me, the damsel in distress?
Feeling the breeze, and the moonlights soft caress;
Leaving the harbor, never to return;
These lessons in life, Will I ever learn?
How will I sail, when you are my wind?
Please sail with me, my lover, my friend;
The sea is so great, without you, would swallow me whole,
The waves tossing me, to and fro;
You are my harbor, my safety in the night,
How will I see, when you are my guiding light?
Please don't send me out into an endless see,
Say that you will forever, sail safely with me!

♣"I'll Grieve No More" ♣

Behind these eyes, there's heartache and pain,
Nothing left inside, my mind going insane;
Why is it so hard for me to leave?
Instead, here alone, I grieve;
I grieve for happiness to once again feel,
I grieve for love, to once again be real;
I grieve for innocence, I have left behind,
I grieve for memories, I cannot find;
Someday my grieving, it shall end,
Safe in the arms of my angel, my friend;
I'll be free; I'll weep no more,
And through the heavens, with the angels, I'll sore;
This day is coming, without fail,
I'll be leaving this place, this place called hell!

♥"The Gift" ♥

I told you of my secret, you didn't run away,
Instead you lay beside me, and brushed my tears away;
You made love to me, as if you never knew,
It's like you felt my pain, and all that I went through;
You asked me what I'm thinking, while looking in your eyes,
Just wanted to be near you, before this moment dies;
You were so gentle, with each and every touch,
Now when we're apart, it's you I miss so much;
Not sure of where we're going, or where this road may lead,
But for the ride, I'll hang on, as my heart you feed;
Thank you for the gift, the gift you gave to me,
The gift of understanding, the ways that love should be;
Maybe we'll be together, right now I don't know,
But it is getting harder, for my feelings not to show;
I hope that you will be there, and hang on for the ride,
Who knows, maybe together forever, in love, we'll abide.

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Christa Vaughn Gilliam